i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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