Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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