Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
