Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
