You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
