Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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