The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
