Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
apparently the secret to your success is patron
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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