I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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