We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
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