End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
