I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
