There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
