his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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