Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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