Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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