Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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