the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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