They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
