This is not my ceiling
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
