You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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