I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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