I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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