I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just cropdusted the office
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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