That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
