I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
