I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Randomize
