Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
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