listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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