I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
