his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
