have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
