my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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