god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
