how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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