I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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