Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
