the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
