It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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