totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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