You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
