guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
