You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
