I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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