I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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