My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
