WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
