I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
