I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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