Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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