just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
